The other day I experienced something that I have never gone through before, something that a lot of the LGBT community has to deal with on a regular basis. Having just come out and only been with cis males my whole life I never dealt with the struggle of odd stares from people about whos hand I was holding. Now that is different, now I realize that coming out and being proud of who you are is not all about PRIDE and having fun with your fellow LGBT friends, but dealing with discrimination.
It didn't bother me, and still doesn't, when people look at me and my girlfriend when we hold hands in the street. I'm six foot and she is five three and is genderfluid, so on top of the dramatic height differences people look twice or more times just to be sure that what they are seeing is a female dressed in men's clothing holding the hand of someone who hopefully isn't her older sister because you just saw them kiss. I get it, it can be odd or maybe it isn't, but the point is it shouldn't matter. We aren't harming anyone by loving each other. She's not harming anyone for feeling like a man some days and feeling more feminine the next. It's no ones business but our own. That's why when people give us odd or disgusted looks I glare right back at them, sometimes I'll go as far as to scream "Yes, we're gay!" and "Yep! still as gay as the last time you looked" Because yelling that at them makes me feel like it is I who have the power over them instead of letting their hatred consume me.
The real reason for this post is not about standing up to those types of people though, it is about my first experience having my girlfriend quickly let go of my hand when she saw her landlord, who is very religious, standing of the porch of her apartment. We were just holding hands and having a nice laugh while walking back from the grocery store... We hadn't done anything wrong, but I swear it happened all in slow motion, one second her hand was clutched in mine and the next I felt as though she had thrown it away, in desperate need to get away from it.
We spoke afterwards about why she did it and how it made me feel, though that part of the story is for us, what I will tell you is that my heart felt like it had dropped, I suddenly became aware of just how difficult not being straight is, I became aware that there are people in this world that you just can't stand up to for fear of being kicked out of your home or losing your job. It makes me sad to think that one day it may happen again, where I, or my girlfriend, will feel the immediate need, without thought, to let go of each other. That for our safety it may come about that we will struggle to show our love in public.
Despite this, whenever we walk past a church or see church goers I don't become afraid of what they will say, I'm not afraid of the people who walk past us and give us a dirty look, if anything that makes my love for her stronger. Proving to those people that their hatred will not stop me from loving who I want to love is what makes it sickeningly satisfying to see a dirty look every now and then because I get to tell them to "Fuck off" and "Don't look at my girl like that" and saying those words, or rather yelling them, makes me feel empowered to continue taking a stand. But for that one moment where no one gave a dirty look. Where no one said anything, and she felt like it was safer to let go of my hand? That moment is what makes things so difficult. That moment is what made me think, just for a second, "can I handle this?"
To my baby, if you're reading this, yes, yes I can handle it and I hope you can too, because I don't ever want to let go of your hand for the fear of what someone else might say.
